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leighblackIRISH BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE
SYMPTOM
CAUSE
CORRECTIVE ACTION
Feet cold and wet:
Glass Being held at incorrect angle.
Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling
Feet warm and wet:
Improper Bladder Control
Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training
Beer unusually pale and tasteless:
a. Glass empty.
b. You're holding a Miller Lite
Get someone to buy you another beer
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights:
You have fallen over backward.
Have yourself leashed to bar
Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes:
You have fallen forward
See above
Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet:
a. Mouth not open
b. Glass applied to wrong part of face
Retire to restroom, practice in mirror
Floor Blurred:
You are looking through bottom of empty glass
Get someone to buy you another beer
Floor moving:
You are being carried out
Find out if you are being taken to another bar
Room seems unusually dark:
Bar has closed
Confirm home address with bartender. If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to go and hit the nearest fire escape door. Run.
Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures:
Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations
Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside
Everyone looks up to you and smiles:
You are dancing on the table
Fall on someone cushy-looking
Beer is crystal-clear:
It's water! Somebody is trying to sober you up
Punch him
People are standing around urinals, talking or putting on makeup:
You're in the ladies' room
Do not use urinal! Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the hall. Try to get phone numbers (optional)
Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear:
You have been in a fight
Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them
Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in:
You've wandered into the wrong party
See if they have free beer
Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor and an interesting steel door. Toilet may be conveniently located next to your
bunk:
a. You're in jail
b. You're in the navy
Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow. Don't talk to your new roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach
Your singing sounds distorted:
The beer is too weak
Have more beer until your voice improves
Don't remember the words to the song:
Beer is just right
Play air guitar
Happy St. Patty's Day everyone! I'll be seeing some of you tonight! Yay!
SYMPTOM
CAUSE
CORRECTIVE ACTION
Feet cold and wet:
Glass Being held at incorrect angle.
Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling
Feet warm and wet:
Improper Bladder Control
Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training
Beer unusually pale and tasteless:
a. Glass empty.
b. You're holding a Miller Lite
Get someone to buy you another beer
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights:
You have fallen over backward.
Have yourself leashed to bar
Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes:
You have fallen forward
See above
Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet:
a. Mouth not open
b. Glass applied to wrong part of face
Retire to restroom, practice in mirror
Floor Blurred:
You are looking through bottom of empty glass
Get someone to buy you another beer
Floor moving:
You are being carried out
Find out if you are being taken to another bar
Room seems unusually dark:
Bar has closed
Confirm home address with bartender. If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to go and hit the nearest fire escape door. Run.
Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures:
Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations
Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside
Everyone looks up to you and smiles:
You are dancing on the table
Fall on someone cushy-looking
Beer is crystal-clear:
It's water! Somebody is trying to sober you up
Punch him
People are standing around urinals, talking or putting on makeup:
You're in the ladies' room
Do not use urinal! Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the hall. Try to get phone numbers (optional)
Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear:
You have been in a fight
Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them
Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in:
You've wandered into the wrong party
See if they have free beer
Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor and an interesting steel door. Toilet may be conveniently located next to your
bunk:
a. You're in jail
b. You're in the navy
Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow. Don't talk to your new roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach
Your singing sounds distorted:
The beer is too weak
Have more beer until your voice improves
Don't remember the words to the song:
Beer is just right
Play air guitar
Happy St. Patty's Day everyone! I'll be seeing some of you tonight! Yay!
